Mostly Dance Rant

Well, it seems as though I haven't posted since finishing the shawl. At that point I was so overloaded with the Boise obsession. I have been steadily (read: slowly) chugging along on the pair of socks that I am making for Mr A. I really like how both socks are being made at once and that I knwo whaen I am done, I will be *finished* with the pair. The only thing I really need to figure out is how to make the heels using the short row method that I really like. I'll...... figure it out when I get there, I guess.
That is the end of any useful (was that useful?) knitting talk. Onto the bellydance bitching.

I didn't go to class on Monday because that morning I had just gotten my braces on (yeah, yeah... I know.. why didn't I get them when I was a kid... and when I didn't have to pay for it!?!?!?) and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with the new feeling of crap in my mouth as well as the strain of a dance movements class. Today when I left work at 4pm, I was very excited to go to class. I was ready to dance and ready to use all of my odd muscles and to be a belly dancer. Unfortunately, class doesn't start for another 4 hours after that. I am not a night person. At 7, 8, 9pm on weekday evenings I don't want to be shaking and squeezing and flexing. I just want to be winding down and getting ready for the next day. But my dance classes start at 7pm on Mondays and 8pm on Wednesdays. Great. Add to this that T was teaching tonight. This is all sorts of a recipe for me leaving upset. I like T. She is a wonderful and amazing dancer, and makes everything complicated look simple and effortless. Yet it seems that only on the nights she teaches are the same nights I leave upset and ready to quit dancing altogether. I know I am not doing things perfectly. I know occasionally I need someone to correct my posture, my timing, my isolations, *something*. But when T teaches, I feel invisible. Like she gave up a long time ago on me ever looking beautiful when I dance. She walks around me, fixing every other girl around me, even the girls who are training in level3 and coming to level 2 for.... I don't know. She is fixing a level 3 girl, and not a level 1.5 girl? I can't contract my glutes as fast as we were supposed to be doing tonight, so I tried slowing it down and focusing on at least doing it to some extent. I kept losing my timing. But I was trying. I was doing something that I felt would help me. Negative negative negative. Feet on one timing, glutes on the timing I could only do slow, put them together and I (figuratively.. well... mybe literally..) fall on my face. So again, my own thing. Last thing. We walk flat foot, glutes are contracted, both going double time. I have a hard time going that fast, especially flat foot since it is harder than releve. I anted to get my double time, dammit, so I went into releve. And I could still only break full time. THIS is when T walks up to me and says "We're supposed to be flat foot." I tell her I can't do it flat foot and she tells me to walk flat foot. #@!%$%$%#^#%$^&^%*762445 No, don't talk about my posture, my arm placement, my glutes, my timing, but PLEASE P.L.E.A.S.E. comment on whether my feet are flat or in releve! I mean.. CLEARLY that is the most important thing all night for em to get right. Arrrgghhh!!!!!!!
Nights like these I leave frustrated. Ready to cry and quit and never dance again. It makes me wonder why I still show up week after week, class after class. It makes me wonder if I am ever going to get this shit and if I am ever going to be able to keep up with the big bad belly dancers. Nights like tonight make me ask myself why I am pretending to be a dancer, why I am trying and what this is all for. At least with knitting, I have friends who lend support when I want to eat my scarf/blanket/bag/whatever. With dancing, I don't have any "friends". I ahve the girls I "dance with" in class, but that is as far as we go. There is no support, no encouragement. And that is where it seems I need it most of all.